Understanding Male Sexual Nature

Dennis Prager, a nationally syndicated radio talk show host (dennisprager.com)often talks honestly about male sexual nature in a weekly, hour segment called the “Male/Female Hour.”
He stated that he is working on a book on this subject and the working title is, “Wives: Your Husbands are not Perverts.”

Let’s start with the premise that we are talking about decent men here. Men who are sociopaths, perennial narcissists, etc. are exceptions to the general rule and these suggestions would not be applicable to their mental acuity. This is one big reason why CSI always asks wives, ‘What kind of man do you have?’ If you have a decent husband – and most are – then you may be puzzled why he makes seemingly irregular or unusual sexual requests or suggestions. ‘Where did that come from?’ you most likely silently ask yourself.
Nobody survives childhood without some emotional scars, chips or character deformity. Its part of life and everyone has their own version of it. We either didn’t get something we needed, got too much of something we really didn’t need or dealt with multiple-abusive parents…this list is virtually endless. Women have ‘daddy’ issues and men have ‘mommy’ issues and that becomes part of our hard-wiring as adults. Men have always used all things sexual for comfort. From infancy to being a toddler, boys have fondled themselves to sooth fragile psyches and because it felt good. Puberty then adds the hormonal element that only seems to confirm that previous instinct. Being an adult changes little in this regard for the married men. More though than merely finding comfort in the sexual, it became hard-wired as a need. Those needs vary per the man because they all have different childhoods. By the way, this is one reason why there are so many categories of porn – each cater to specific sexual areas that speaks to ancient emotional pains/traumas, etc. That is why different men are turned on by ‘this’ or ‘that’ versus other things.

Needs vs. Wants

“Honey, let’s try ‘this’ tonight?”, he says. “No, I don’t think I want to do that,” you say. ‘Okay….well what do you want to do?” is his retort. That roughly describes a ‘want.’
If that were a ‘need,’ he may press the issue and find out why he can’t have it. He might get mildly perturbed or even angry. If he presses too hard and too often though, he fears being labeled as ‘needy’ or a ‘pervert’ because he seemingly won’t let that issue go. He fears how he will look in the eyes of his wife, whose respect is crucial.

More often than not, trying to seem reasonable and making it look like a ‘want’, he doesn’t push the issue. But it turns out to be a need, and needs don’t go away. Resentment and frustration start to build. So he quickly does the instinctual emotional math: ‘Wife doesn’t want to do that and I can’t push it or I will lose her respect and be judged a perv, so I will get that need met somewhere else.”

Most likely, it is not as rational as that. That also defines it as a need versus a want. There is little risk with advocating a ‘want.’ If you don’t get it, oh well, fine. But there is risk in asking for a need; what if she says no….what does that say about her love for me?....does she even care about me?....what will she think of me?....will she ever look at me the same way again?.
There is emotional weight involved with that exchange. So much so that many, many, many men will have affairs rather than have a rational conversation with their wives about their sexual proclivities and sharing with them how important it is to get this or that need met. If you accept CSI’s premise on this, knowing this, there are things a wife can do to help their husband and strengthen their marriage.

Wives can help create the atmosphere where their husbands feel comfortable telling them their inner-most sexual needs. Often, these needs can be embarrassing to articulate, but a wife can often reduce this emotional tension by coaxing this information out during their conjugal time. There he is at his most vulnerable and more prone to open up.

The Whys

So, let’s say he either expressed a particular sexual need – because of your awesome ability to be vulnerable yourself and create that safe, intimate atmosphere where he feels free to share – and you either find that request ‘way out there’ or you just don’t understand why he wants that. CSI has found this to be a common occurrence among even good intentioned wives. More often than not, the husband may not know exactly why he needs this….only that he does and when it happens, it soothes and sates him. You repeatedly asking ‘why’ he needs this or that is not going to make him delve deeper into his psyche to get that information…even if he could. That’s the job of a qualified therapist and a personal quest for introspection on his part. It’s as if you asked him why this or that food taste good to him. It just does.

Moral Boundaries

This is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. You are moral people and good Catholics and don’t want to violate the edicts of your faith. CSI’s view is that you don’t have to in order to accommodate your husband’s even far- out -there sexual needs. CSI cannot think of a sexual proclivity that can’t be modified in some way to stay within the moral boundaries of your faith.

Remember, your Catholic faith is not as restrictive as you may think. With the exception of a few things, there is a wide berth of sexual expression available to satisfy both your sexual needs and build a strong bond between the both of you. When you think about it, this makes sense also! God made us and knows us…..why wouldn’t He afford us this personal prescription for build happier, satisfying marriages that honor Him?
“Why should I have to deal with his mother issues!” is one complaint we hear at CSI from frustrated wives. CSI has a working hypothesis that one of the features of good marriages are to fill the voids and chips left from the normal traumas of childhood. He builds you up from your ‘daddy’ issues and you comfort him from his ‘mommy issues.’ The bottom line is that it is naïve to think people enter into a marriage without baggage. We all have it. Women have them also, but the specific sexual needs of men seem to be more problematic and irksome even in the best marriages. This is why God blessed wives with patience, compassion and mercy. Your husband’s needs all of those virtues.

Wives, your marriages are your ministry. To draw a line in the sexual sand because it may offend your particular sensibilities, and then claim the moral high-ground and possibly use your faith as a defense, is contrary to the love, compassion and mercy your husband’s depends on to meet his needs and really does a disservice to your marriage and its inherent commitments. CSI can’t emphasize how crushing that is to good men. They feel judged, broken and needed to be ‘fixed’, and hurt by their life partner who should understand them the most in this life.

Peace be with you...and your marriages.