Marital Communication
In a marriage, everything starts from here. Everything. Regarding porn use, if a husband was communicative about his desires, fantasies, wants and needs with his wife, the pull of porn would be ineffective. This also means there is some culpability with wives as well. If he is not talking to you about this stuff, he is either an emotional coward and/or the wife is not creating an environment where he can bring this subject up without consequences.
Meaning, if you want to beat porn, you're going to have to have a better, more honest and communicative marriage. To those wives who insist on moral sexual behavior from their husbands, but close the door on open and honest sexual conversation/communication - and foster that kind of marital environment - let me suggest that you are either delusional, naive or at least in denial of relationship honesty and true fulfillment.
To that end, find a marriage workshop or retreat and participate. Catholics for Sexual Integrity (CSI) can recommend Marriage Encounters - which is a weekend of nothing but honest communication and learning to express feelings. Many husbands who are sexually compromised have no idea of how to do that - many who are highly educated and literate.
This type of sexual communication does not mean a hostile negotiation of your sexual practices and a review of all your sexual faults as a wife. What you will find is that just the act of talking about this stuff has a bonding value. The intrinsic good in this is that you both feel 1. your sharing beliefs, fears, concerns and wants, and 2. you feel like you're being understood by your partner in life. This is basic, but very powerful stuff in a marriage. When in doubt, talk...and then talk some more.
What Not to Do
Don't try to incorporate porn into your marriage. Naive wives sometimes allow this or abet this use - and it can be devastating to a marriage. Nothing good comes from because it is fraught with insecurities and fears. It is also considered an 'intrinsic evil' from the Holy Church. That really should be enough reason right there. Read 'The Porn Effect' on this blog located on the left side of this page under 'CSI Viewpoints'
Create a Porn-Free Home
It's bad enough it is everywhere else, don't let it into your home. Even for the addict, make this a fast rule and take measures to ensure it doesn't enter the home. Make sure all computer use is in common areas; like at the kitchen table, island or in the living room. Never allow children to have access to the internet in their bedrooms. Porn and isolation go hand in hand. We can't tell you how many kids we see with smart-phones that have access to the web. That un-restricted and un-supervised access to the web is way too tempting. Parents are literally putting their kids in danger by doing so. Only go on the computer when someone is at home. Simple but effective. Make everyone accountable: there is software out there that sends someone you designate, all your browser activity. Your working towards full transparency.
Stop the Failure Process
Unlike other forms of sexual integrity issues, i.e. physical extra-marital encounters, stopping porn use can be a process. Meaning, there may be a progression towards the total goal of having a porn-free life. Since there is a high recidivism rate of repeated porn use, there are some practical considerations to recognize.
First, stop the self-flaggelation every time you falter and find porn again. There is a vicious cycle here that keeps the porn viewer and sexually compromised in a state of questioning his faith, his marriage, his goals and his self-worth. Every time he goes back to the porn - especially when he goes through a bingeing bout - he feels like he failed yet again, and this worthless feeling buttresses his fragile emotional state to the point of feeling like not even trying anymore. He feels hopeless.
Look for progress, not perfection. Both the viewer and the spouse should focus on that line. It is not an excuse for additional porn usage; it is an acknowledgment of the progression towards healing. Change your perspective about all future porn encounters by looking at it as a tool and learning experience. Do so by continually asking yourself two very important questions after a slippage:
1. What were you feeling right before you used the porn?
2. What need were you trying to fill by watching that porn?
It doesn't matter if you know the answers right away...keep asking yourself the questions. You'll find in time that you turned to porn because you were running from some feeling or emotional pain. You weren't bored; that's an easy answer and a rationalization. Dip deep past the personal revulsion and think hard.
When you slip up, go to confession and get rid of it. It doesn't matter how many you go to confession and confess the same offense/sin. As long as you're trying and have a full Act of Contrition, avail yourself of a good clearing of your conscious. You will feel pure again after letting the sin go. God longs to forgive you and offers you the best deal possible: Try hard and He will forgive you when you fail - and he does that through confession via the priest who is in persona Christi. Through reconciliation, you will find hope and encouragement and the strength to persevere. God knows your changing heart and wants you to win this battle and will help you.
Use your tools as a Catholic to help you cross that finish line.
Ask the Holy Spirit for discernment and wisdom; the great Paraclete is your comforter and counselor in this regard. Cry out to our Blessed Mother and ask her help as well. Talk to her and ask her to hold your hand and comfort you as only a mother can. She will be your advocate and help you get closer to her son, our Savior, Christ the Lord. She understands pain and loss. Don't be embarrassed. Talk to her and tell her how helpless you feel. Mercy, forgiveness and understanding are yours for the asking.
Get a Daily Prayer Life
You can't begin to have a real, personal and intimate life with Christ without talking to him daily. Not sure what to say? Sometimes, say nothing and let him talk to you. Be silent. Listen to your heart and don't try to fill the void with words.
But sometimes you need help in the beginning - especially for those who have been away form the Church and are not used to praying regularly. Stop at any local Catholic book store for some prayer booklets and guides. CSI recommends 'The Miracle Hour' by Linda Schubert, which you can use daily. If you can't do a whole hour, highlight a few lines in each part of that little booklet, and spend 10 minutes praying. Find time. If you have time to eat, watch television, go on computer, you have the time to develop a spiritual life and talk to God.
Even if you don't feel any different, keep praying and asking for wisdom and help. Appeal to our Blessed Mother to help you get closer to her son, Our Savior, Jesus Christ.
Fasting
Fasting and prayer are great ways to gain discipline. There are numerous references to this in the bible - both OT and NT. Fasting & prayer are steroid shots to your recovery from all the sexual lures and struggles you have.
Not to take away from the spiritual aspect of fasting and prayer, but one can make a completely secular argument for it as well. When you fast, what you're essentially doing is saying 'no' to your bodily urges. Your body wants, then demands food when it's hungry. By not giving in to it's demands, you gain mastery over your bodily urges. You develop discipline.
Just do it once and you can see the potential of that concept. You learn from that very first fasting experience that you are no longer a slave to your impulses. Your cravings don't determine your actions; quite the other way around actually. Disciplining your body and mind are the benefits of fasting.
Combine that with prayers and you have a powerful aid in your challenge to beat porn. The Lord is touched by your sacrifice and your blessings will be many. There are many sources to learn about fasting, but this one suffices: http://www.ewtn.com/faith/lent/fast.htm
Learn to Over-React
Those struggling with porn don't just live day to day, stumble onto porn and then view it. As it often happens, they make a decision to view it and then find it. The reasons are many. What must happen with each person, is to recognize the instant before one makes that choice to view it. Once the choice to view porn is made, it is often difficult to stop the chain of events to lead to viewing porn. So, what needs to occur is to halt the process before it gets traction in one's mind. There is that moment - if you think about it - when you are just at the edge of perhaps having a desire to look at porn. That's the moment.
There needs to be an over-reaction on the part of the sexually compromised when that urge or notion strikes. When the moment makes you even consider doing something vaguely questionable, that it the time to over-react.
How to over-react? Leave. If you're at or near a location that threatens your integrity, get away now and fast. Leave the video store or that part of town. If you're at home or work and it would be so easy to click the computer mouse twice and find porn, get up and walk away from the computer.
Some may say that you could just stay at the computer and work on another task. CSI suggests that you over-react, and close the computer down and get away from it for a while. Wait at least an hour or until family or co-workers are present before going back on the computer.
In combination to this over-reaction, pray for guidance and spiritual help. Say a 'Hail Mary' and an 'Our Father' and make the sign of the cross. Ask for help. Ask Michael the Archangel, Defender of the Faith, to halt the thoughts in your head and protect you from the snares of the fowler. But keep moving in the opposite direction of the threat.
Don't rationalize not over-reacting. Don't let your self-talk smooth talk you or rationalize a lesser response. It's like allowing yourself to just chat with a prostitute, or just have coffee with a female co-worker and have intimate conversation by yourselves. It's inappropriate and not just for the sexually compromised. This is good advice for anybody - but especially for those who have a weakness in this regard. Don't try to be brave - get moving and leave the danger zone.
To over-react in this regard is a good thing. What this does is lessen the exposure to threats because the sexually compromised often make poor choices when confronted with sexual options. So, make having to make fewer of those decisions the goal....and you do that by over-reacting and getting far away from any source of temptation at the point when it is first even remotely considered in your head.
