Adulterous behavior can include watching pornography, but for purposes of this blog, Catholics for Sexual Integrity (CSI) separated porn from physically engaging in sexual activity with people other than your spouse. We did so because the method for dealing with porn and adulterous behavior can vary.
Adulterous behavior can also mean having an emotional affair, i.e. sharing very intimate details that create an emotional bond or emotional mortgage with a woman who is not your wife.
There are some sexual behaviors that pose a greater threat than others. Exposing yourself to ‘outside of marriage’ sex is one of them….and healing cannot even start without the cessation of those activities. There really is no getting around that.
Meaning, you can’t reduce, manage a gradual reduction, just be friends, only do it on occasion…….it needs to stop in total and now. This really becomes a good indicator of how healthy you want to be. For those insisting on continuing the behavior, rationalizing or making excuses to continue, well, what can we say. You are most likely still in denial and your life hasn’t reached the point of destruction as yet to wake you up to the reality of the unstable alternate reality you have built. Don’t worry, it’s coming. It will just take a bit more time. Sadly – and we have seen this a hundred times – some men don’t understand this until their marriage is toast, they are penniless and their kids want don't want anything to do with them. Believe it or not, there are men who still cling to this alternate reality even after all of that. They wander alone in the wilderness and are joyless.
But for those who have woken up; who have seen the inevitable trajectory of their actions and want to get back to sanity, you have to cease all outside sexual activity. Porn use is another issue – and please read the page entitled "The Porn Effect.".
So, how are you going to stop? You have probably tried several times unsuccessfully. Take heart…it is possible, and so worth it. For the wives out there thinking this should be easy...just stop...well, let’s be clear what is being asked here. On the surface, it is just stopping a behavior. What that acting out represents though is something much, much deeper and personal. Often, to the sexually compromised, what he hears - and soon comes to feel - is that what is being demanded of him is to voluntarily give up the only self-medicating salve he has even known to deal with his emotional pain. What is being asked of him is to feel. ….and that means pain, and lots of it. That is why when they try to do it on their own, they succeed for short periods of time, but - when they are confronted with emotional pain -run back to the false comfort of their sex of choice.
But it has to happen. You need to stop cold turkey and just make it a non-negotiable item. You can use the excuse of doing for your wife, your family, job, faith…all very good reasons to stop. But you have to want to be a better man in the end. You have to see the old you and say, “ I don’t want to be him anymore.” The good news is you don’t have to be.
How to end things? What’s the fallout?
This is where things can get sticky. This is where you need some help. First, you should be getting some therapy. What are you waiting for? If you could have stopped, you would have by now. You also need transparency and support – two vitals for anyone in recovery. You need someone to call, and who can call you, when you are tempted or when you feel that ‘pull’ to act out in this way
You need someone to bounce ideas off of and who can help you construct an action plan to cease all outside-of-marriage sexual activity. Can you do it on your own? Yes, you can…it’s just more difficult and may take longer.
Most affairs are pre-determined train wrecks. Meaning, they are going to end at some point...and often badly. For the sexually compromised, the fear of confrontation - of reality - is once again front and center, and that is combined with the real possibility of a scornful mistress making the termination of the the affair difficult, and the revealing of it dangerous to the marriage. This is truly risky business and people are going to get hurt one way or another. Prolonging its demise is not going to make the situation any better. Takes measures to end it firmly, yet as kindly as possible. Do not leave the 'door open a crack' just in case. Once you made the determination to severe the adulterous relationship, you have made the choice for your marriage, come what may. As much as this is an ending, it is also a beginning. Not in the romantic sense, but in the hard work sense of re-building your marriage (see 'Disclosing to Your Spouse').
The Line Graph
If you’re running from something, you’re automatically running towards something else. Think of it as a line graph; at one end is the behavior you’re trying to stop and are ashamed of, so it’s healing and healthy opposite is at the other end of that line graph. The more you walk towards either end, the more it will envelop you. Sin begets more sin…that’s the way it works. But grace also begets more grace.
This is where you start to live in the truth and in reality. This is where you start leaning on your faith more and more. Get back to church if you have strayed; go to confession and have a daily prayer life. If you don’t…if you’re not running towards the opposite end of that line graph...your old life will start to pull you back to the other, destructive end of that same line graph that you know so well. Like an old blanket, it will wrap around and suffocate you once more....although it will feel familiar and comforting.
Or think of it this way: You’re removing cancer from your soul and body. If you don’t fill the void with something life-affirming and holy, the cancer will return. That space needs to be filled, so what are you going to fill it with? Haven’t you had enough sadness, shame, guilt and destruction?
So, stop all outside-of-marriage sex stuff. Period. Just stop....and you have some support in your faith to help you.
Confession: Go to confession.....a lot. You should be going at least once a month anyhow. Try to go every week though. Hey, the Holy Father goes daily, so don't think you're over doing it. If you had a bad experience with confession early in life, we are sorry for that. There are a few ignoble priests out there who carry personal chips on their shoulder, but they are rare. Confession is where you find peace in your heart. Matthew Kelly summed it up nicely when he wrote:
"If you want to find an excuse for your behavior, go to a psychologist; but if you want to find peace in your heart, go to confession." Exactly. Confession does so many things for you. Besides cleansing your soul and making you pure again, it is the process of making you humble. It starts the positioning process of making you smaller than God. By its very process, you are saying that you don't want to be your own God any more; that you tried that and it doesn't work. By confessing your sins and asking for forgiveness, you are also asking God to make you small so that God can be big again in your life. Confession aligns your soul. Don't ever be afraid of going to confession. Make a good confession and if you're not sure, ask the priest to help you and he will. Don't hold back. God has seen all your deeds anyhow, and He is just waiting to forgive you. He longs to forgive you, so give God the chance. Don't be afraid or embarrassed. Repent of all your sins and feel Gods mercy and love shine upon you. He is waiting to renew you again...so what are you waiting for?
Go to Mass: It should be a no-brainer for Catholics, but most Catholics consider it optional. Well, it isn't. "I don't get anything out of it," "...the homilies don't speak to me.." are some common complaints. You don't go to mass to 'get something out of it,' you go to 'give something back.' That is one big difference between a Catholic mass and a Protestant service: They go to get; we go to give. God commands us to give back. So do it. God doesn't command that to lift his ego. He requires it because He knows you need it. As St. Augustine said, "My soul is restless until it rests in you."
That mindset kept many good men out of church for years and years, and then you see them switching parishes left and right until they find a 'good priest.'
Friends, listen to readings and homilies, but focus on the center of the mass...the Holy Eucharist...the source and center of the mass. Be a lover of the Eucharist and fall in love with the true presence of Christ there in the Eucharist. When you do, you will find that it is hard to stay away.
If you can, start going to daily mass. Daily masses are usually shorter and you'll find yourself after a time growing to miss the Eucharist when you can't go. The Lord is waiting for you in his Mass. Let Him consume you and be with you daily.
Dealing with the Fallout of Stopping
So you’ve stopped. If you’re like most people, it is a mixed blessing. On one hand, you feel relieved that you stopped this behavior that was making you feel awful and putting everything you have and love at risk. On the other hand, now you feel exposed and vulnerable with no support system to run to when you feel emotional pain.
You need to plug into some venues where you can speak about your behavior. Here is what you can do to effect change:
• Get involved in therapy straight away. Research and find a qualified therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders.
• Talk to your spouse. This is a tough one admittingly. What you’re trying to do is start to remove walls between you; to have some level of transparency. You should understand that your change will include making your marriage better and whole. You don’t have to confess to her/him everything you ever did - read the post "Disclosing to Your Spouse." Explain that you’re hurting; you’re sad about where you’re at in life and you need their support. Tell them you want to see a therapist. In therapy, you can plan a strategy to involve your wife in your recovery. Oh yes, at some point and on some level, you both have to be of one mind. That’s the truth part; you two are ‘as one’ and she/he should be involved and participate in your life. They have been absent in it to a degree enough to allow to have this separate life, so now you have to open that door and let them in again. Don’t panic – there may be painful times, but they love you and want to help you.
