In short, that it exactly what Catholics for Sexu
The goal of a healthy marriage is the same goal as someone recovering from sexual integrity issues. What you are working towards is 'transparency.' Meaning, you are living a life free of lies, half-truths and secrets. For some, that is a scary notion as they cannot remember a time when they weren't compartmentalized and withholding information from loved ones.
It is about this time that the sexually compromised starts panicking. "What...I got to spill all the beans to my wife?" Relax a bit and take a deep breath.
Disclosure is a delicate but important process. It doesn't mean per se, that you are going to elucidate every morbid sexual detail of your sorted affairs or porn use to your wife. There is no static formula for a disclosure. There are considerations to be evaluated. While truth is paramount, it can also be cruel and unfair to foist this type of information on a wife who is not prepared or not emotionally stable enough to handle this type of devastating news.
Let's discuss what a disclosure is. It is not a method for the sexually compromised to rid himself of all the guilt and shame he carries based on his behaviors. He will carry the emotional weight and consequences of those decisions his entire life - whether or not he discloses them to his spouse. What a disclosure is the attempt to live an authentic life/marriage, working from the clean slate of truth and transparency. To accomplish that, you have to let the light in the most darkest of corners. Otherwise, you're re-building of trust and love is being formed on shaky and unstable ground.
Here's an example of how that looks like: Your wife is proud of your honesty and progress and your relationship is better than ever. It's painful, but you're both talking more and sharing more. The intimacy level in your marriage has never been higher. You slugged through the dirty water of your infidelities, made great progress and trust in your marriage and it is starting to be re-built again.
But then finds an old receipt in your jacket; and old love letter, or email, or tweet from one of your mistresses; some past fling is drunk one night and makes a phone call to her...at home or at work. CSI has heard so many variations on this theme one could write for an hour and still not cover the list of ways your past will come back and wreak havoc.
Watch her face fall and her eyes water as the trust you worked hard to build up is shattered and falls back to square one....if you're lucky. Why? Because she was not aware of this infraction. You may have said some things. You may have picked a few things to tell her about, but you didn't cover this one. There is no blanket amnesty in emotional betrayal. It doesn't matter how far both of you came, you just reduced it to a smoldering heap of ashes as trust is shattered.
This is why disclosure is so important. Yes, it is painful....and it is understood how much the sexually compromised loathe emotional pain or want their spouses to suffer anymore based on their behavior. But this isn't that kind of pain. It is the pain of inoculation. This is preventative. A small pain when compared to the cataclysmic pain of discovered lies not revealed.
Ideally, you should discuss this subject with your therapist who can work out a process working towards disclosure.
What to Disclose
This depends on many things as much as when to disclose. The sooner the better is the general rule. But it also depends on what kind of wife you have - and they seem generally to come in two variants:
1. Those that want to know every detail
2. Those that do not want to know much at all
There is no plus side to either. To say it is going to be 'uncomfortable' with either type of wife is to be conservative in that term. Be prepared to answer, fully and without excuses, every question asked. Don't make excuses or equivocate. Don't be smug or indifferent, but be 'matter of fact.' Be honest most of all. She knows you better than anyone and you're not as good a liar as you think you are.
Get acquainted with your feelings because questions about them are going to be asked. Meaning, few wives want morbid sexual details, but they do ask things like:
"Do/did you love her?"
"Did you have sex with her on any day you had sex with me?"
"Did you use protection and have you been tested for STD's?"
"Did you have sex in our house?"
"In our bed?" "
"Do any of our friends/family know about this?"
"Did you buy her any gifts?"
The above are obviously based on affairs, but there are emotional questions for those disclosing porn use:
"When did you watch these?"
"At home?" "At work?"
"Did you masturbate every time to these?"
"Did you watch porn before we had sex?"
"Where you thinking of those girls when we had sex?"
"What kind of porn did you look at and why?"
"Did you ever tape us having sex?"
"Did you ever post them on the web?"
All tough questions and it makes no sense to have pat answers for them. Just tell yourself that she deserves to know the truth to any question she asks. Error on the side of sharing too much than too little when asked a question on a specific point. Think to yourself that you have one shot to reveal all of this.
Multiple disclosures is a mistake. You should not have the goal of a staggered admission scale. All that does is foment anxiety in the spouse as she will wonder what bomb is going to be dropped next. Better to prepare in advance and make a good disclosure.
Consequences
CSI is not saying that once you make a disclosure, some tears will be shed, and you can start a new life together. That does happen, but it is not guaranteed. Your marriage could be in jeopardy and it may dissolve - either temporarily or permanently. That is a risk.
But when you think about it, if you want the kind of marriage that you can trust in and build upon, you really have no other choice. Every other option is a lie just waiting to explode in your face. Even if not revealed, you will suffer because that lie of omission is eating away at your soul and heart.
"It's my burden to bear, why should I inflict my guilty conscious onto my wife?" CSI hears this one a lot. First, remember, there is no absolving of your guilty behavior. You may have been forgiven in Confession for the sin, but you live with the consequences of that sin. That's yours and you own it for the rest of your life.
There is no nobility in suffering in silence. It is just a romantic illusion favored by those too afraid to confront reality.
Wives are not made of glass. You're not doing them any favors by sparing them from the realities of your marital hardships. They are incredible persons who can withstand much. They have a great capacity to endure and extend mercy. Give your wife more credit than you are considering.
Talk to your therapist about what to reveal and when.
