CCC 2352 By masturbation is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. Both the magesterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation in an intrinsically and gravely disordered action. The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose. For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of the "sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved."
That is what the Catechism of the Catholic church as to say on the subject of masturbation (MB). We Catholics take a tougher stance on this subject than most. Not because we are trying to be more strict, but much like the issues of divorce, we adhere to biblical law and instruction and choose not to waterdown the inspired. Our Jewish brothers and sisters have no problem with MB. They see is as a natural itch to be scratched and look at MB as any other bodily function...much like urination.
For those that hold that MB'ing is a 'natural' and an instinctive function, CSI doesn't find that to be a persuasive argument. There are many things that are 'natural' in this world that can be quite harmful, if not fatal. From plant life, to animals to behavior. All that is natural is not necessarily beneficial - especially when removed from its intended purpose or its intent is misunderstood. The act of climaxing was created by God to be pleasurable! But it was also made by God to be shared with your wife - not be a self-serving pleasure. Chronic MB'ers get stuck in a pleasure loop and that chemical fix - that dopamine rush - can be its own medicine, then a crutch, then a chain that allows one to not face the reality of their own emotional pains and hurts.
MB is a tough thing to abstain from, not just for males, but males have the bigger issue with it so it seems. Ever since puberty hit, it has been the sole and always available source of pleasure and comfort for males world-wide. But it can have a corrosive effect.
Fantasies
What it doesn't say in the above CCC citation is that MB really cannot take place without the act of some kind of sexual fantasy. Meaning, some kind of stimuli has to be present through one of our senses or imagination. Right there, lust enters to facilitate the act of MB. MB is not an innocuous act, innocent because no others are involved. It requires other acts in order for it to take place....and those acts are either selfish or immoral, both of which are damaging to the soul and heart of the person. Remember, sin begets more sin. They feed and build on one another.
Theft
Much of the Ten Commandments revolve around the concept of 'theft.' You are either robbing God or someone else of something. With regard to MB, the 9th Commandment, you are robbing someone of something.
For the married man, you are robbing your wife of the affections and bonding value of conjugal love.
It is not a matter of 'having enough for both.' You robbed her of your time, your intimacy, her pleasure, her need for all of you, mind, body and soul and the primacy of your 'first longings.'
For those not married, you are wasting a gift from God. Your pleasure was created by God to share with your future wife, and you are misusing it. It is ultimately a selfish act.
In both cases, what you're really saying is, "I want to feel good above all else. My pleasure surpasses all else at this moment." You may not mean to, but that is what the act translates into if you think about it.
The act of MB'ing, as is all sin, is the act of saying that, "I will be my own God in this regard. I am the captain of my own ship. I know better than God, the Bible or my Faith.' Even if that is not a conscious thought, that is what it comes down to. Ultimately - and think about this - it is pure hubris and arrogance.
Understand, God doesn't want to deprive you of this pleasure. God doesn't want to make you miserable. He wants you to feel alive and full, abundant in joyful life that He created for you. This is even logical: For the chronic masturbator, are you happier as a result of your behavior? Truly happier...not just satisfied that you can climax often. It really doesn't most find, because climaxing by itself - albeit pleasurable - doesn't have the ability to make you joyful and truly happy because it is a mis-appplication of the act which God designed.
Think of it like really good chocolate cake. Is it possible to constantly eat that cake? Sure. But is it good for you? No. Only when you use the discipline to eat that cake within the context of a healthy diet, does it both satisfy and please you.
It is one of the greatest personal feats of disciplined men - and especially those that are sexually compromised - to try to overcome. Do we fail often. Yes. But it is more than a battle to stop MB. It is a quest for sanctification:
Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Matt 5:48)
This personal struggle is a forge that helps creates your moral character and lets you be closer to God.
"Well, what am I supposed to do if my wife doesn't want to have sex?."
CSI hears this often. A couple of thoughts: First, you can't let the faults of a spouse give you license to sin yourself. An extreme example would be if you were gone for business for 3 months and she had an affair. Why not, using that rubric? You weren't around to satisfy her natural needs. We can't let the shortcomings of our spouses justify doing immoral acts. You have to be in control of your actions and are ultimately responsible for them.....just as she will be held responsible for her actions if she is unfulfilling in her obligations as a faithful and committed wife.
Secondly, a rejection of conjugal love is not an opportunity to MB; it is an invitation to talk about your intimate life. There may be a good reason why she doesn't want to have sex, as their are poor excuses why she won't. None of which will be discovered if you don't confront the issue and talk to her about it.
The trend among the sexually compromised is to not confront, then isolate and take care of your own business i.e. MB.
The mistake of this marital dynamic is strikingly similar. She is not valuing the marital bond and serving the marriage out of charity and self-giving love, and by MB'ing when rejected, he is also de-valuing the marital bond and diminishing the conjugal act to that of only pleasure and climaxing.
Both are self-serving and do not abet a healthy marriage.
For married men, MB'ing, as well as other forms of sexual infidelity, often sub-consciously is a form of passive-aggression. It can be a silent form of retribution against a spouse who doesn't take that portion of their intimate life seriously and/or lacks compassion and mercy to their partner emotional/sexual needs.
The cure - as is most things in marriage - is marital communication.
If you agree that MB'ing is not a healthy exercise and degrades your human dignity, but you find MB'ing difficult to stop and feel that it is a compulsion, then you have to acknowledge that you may have a problem. Single or married, the inability to stop this behavior is going to require assistance.
CSI suggests therapy with a qualified SA or a therapist who has a specialty in anxiety/compulsive behaviors, and, in addition to that the one who struggles should ideally have an active Catholic faith life.
The therapy will try to find and heal the reasons why MB'ing is a source of comfort. An active faith life will give you an alternative to that injurious source of false comfort.
As you grow out of one (compulsive behavior), you will grow into the other (active faith life). You will notice, if you haven't already, that this works in the reverse as well; the less faith life you have, the greater you grow in distress, unease and compulsive behavior. That is the way it works. They are mutually exclusive in that regard.
So how do you kick start your faith life?
Whether you are a relapsed, recalcitrant or a regularly attending Catholic - if your faith life has stalled and is not serving you, you need to re-invigorate it.
Pray Daily
Talk to God. He has been waiting for you to come back to Him. Don't worry about formality. Be humble and cry out to Him for help. God loves to forgive and bring people back to new life. Ask for things: wisdom, discernment, comfort, to get closer to Him, for His will for your life. Ask to be 'small' so He could be 'big' in your life again.
Have a designated time set aside each day to pray - and make it sacrosanct. Nobody but no how is going to interrupt it. Even if it is just five minutes. Make a commitment to pray every day.
If you need some references, a Catholic book store can help you find some prayer guides. CSI likes "The Miracle Hour" by Linda Schubert, which is small booklet. Feel free to highlight a few lines from each subject and just pray that way. You can't be serious about an active faith life without a daily prayer habit.
You have a supernatural team pulling for you if you ask. Start or re-establish your relationship to Mary, Our Blessed Mother. Just talk to her, say the 'Hail Mary,' and count on her to bring you closer to her son, our Savior, Jesus Christ.
Confession (Sacrament of Reconciliation)
For the baptized Catholic, you're only one confession away from being in communion with the Holy Church. Say a prayer to help you examine your conscious, then go to confession and don't hold back. There is nothing to fear. No one is going to yell at you or make you feel horrible. There is nothing but mercy and forgiveness in confession. Go....get clean again, and let confession encourage you to persevere. If you fall, go to confession again and again. No one will judge you. Just keep trying. You will soon find that through prayer and confession you fall less and less as you grow in faith and trust in Christ.
Mass
You're going to mass weekly, right? Good. As a Catholic, it isn't an option. As your faith life grows though, you will look forward to it if you don't already. Don't be surprised if you feel the pull to go to daily mass if you can. Listen to the reading and the homilies - but focus on the Eucharist. Fall in love with the real and true presence of Christ in the Holy Eucharist.
Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick
No, it is not 'last rights.' It is a deeply personal, one-on-one sacrament that can give you many graces in your struggle to stop MB'ing or any compulsive behavior. Take advantage of the tools of your faith. They are there to help you grow you in your faith, and to heal the elements that keep you from that growth.
Call your parish and schedule a time for Confession and Anointing of the Sick.
Don't be ashamed. Without naming names, a priest once told me that 90% of men in confession struggle with MB'ing or other matters of sexual integrity. This is a struggle for all men....young and old. I heard a priest once tell a story of when he - as a priest - went to confession and his confessor was a very old, Godly priest. He asked the priest, "When did you stop being tempted by the flesh?" The old priest said, "Ask me tomorrow, I'm still not done being tempted."
You're not alone and you're not unique in this regard. Stop berating yourself and make a furtive effort to use the tools of your faith - and some common sense - to help you in your struggle.
Peace be with you.
