It is unwise to underestimate the sexual needs of men......and dangerous for a marriage to do so.
Men grow up from boys who survived all sorts of character and emotional scars. These chinks in their armor manifest themselves in a myriad of ways as adult men......but most of them get expressed, in some way or fashion, sexually.
Every man is different, and every man's sexual expression is therefore different.
When a woman marries a man, she also marries his dented and chinked armor inherited from his childhood.
What a man counts on in a wife is to understand and accept his sexual expressions. He needs her compassion and understanding to soothe his frailties and heal his chinked armor.
This is how it works: A good wife, in a giving, selfless expression of kindness, love, mercy and compassion, enthusiastically uses her charms and body to sate her man's varied desires. She literally is his 'helper.'
A good man, moved by this selfless act of love for him - and especially when it surpasses her comfort zone - strives to be a better man.....for her, and inspired by her love for him. Because of his love for her, he works on his flaws and seeks to understand and heal these emotional scars through learning, introspection, prayer and sometimes therapy if needed.
This overlapping of love is the journey that builds them into a single unit. A forged entity that can conquer the storms of life.
Many things can interrupt this cycle.
A husband who rests easy with his darker inclinations and doesn't seek to improve his moral state, is an immature man. He takes for granted the gifts of his wife and is thus exploitative......in opposition to love and caring.
A wife who doesn't strive to meet the needs of her husband is a selfish and ultimately cruel woman. In her rejection, she abandons her husband to walk the journey of life....and love....alone, and opens him up to moral peril.
In this way, both have violated their marital vows to give and of love for the other.
Even despite a wife's abandonment, a good man should strive to correct his own emotional wounds. It will take a long while, sometimes a lifetime, but it is a worthy pursuit. But his heart will bear the scars of his wife's selfishness and cruelty. Intimacy will be shattered. By a miracle, the marriage may survive, but the husband may resent the wife the rest of their lives and their marriage will be but a shadow of what it could have been.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Catholic “12 Steps” for Sexual Morality
If you are even vaguely familiar with addiction recovery, then you are aware of the ’12 Steps.’ They can be instrumental in helping overcome poor habits, bad behavior and incorrigible thinking as well as addictions and compulsive behaviors.
As good are they are though, for Catholics, they fall short of using some tools available to members of our faith community. To that end, CSI has developed our own version of the ’12 Steps.’
• Step 1 – Admit that being your own God doesn’t work. If it did, we wouldn’t be in this fix. Hence, we are ultimately powerless and won’t find true joy and peace in this life without a good and constant relationship with our savior, Christ our Lord. It is the difference between having a life full of misery and affliction, and having a life of joy and peace.
• Step 2 - Came to believe that Christ wants to restore us to sanity. Christ said, “I came so that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” There is hope, mercy, compassion and love when you rest in the arms of Christ. It is easy to get on that road, but the challenge then becomes staying on that road. Your Catholic faith has the tools to assist you.
• Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. Once you realize you are helpless and Christ is the key to moral life, you make the choice to stop being your own God. You accept and internalize that you are rudderless without God and make the decision to live the way God intended you to live. Pray daily. Devote a specific time of day to privately pray for at few minutes. Also, read Scripture (Catholic Edition Bible) for at least 10 minutes daily. You can’t be serious about building a relationship with God unless you use the tools He prescribes. Going to weekly Mass is not optional. Going to daily is ideal though– especially in the beginning or in times of torment.
• Step 4 – Getting ready for Reconciliation (Confession). Pray to the Holy Spirit to reveal your sins to you so you can make a good confession. The key is to not hold anything back and truly be sorry for your sins. Don’t worry if you honestly forget to confess a particular sin, just don’t purposely refrain from confessing sins. Confession is worthless if you hold back, plus, God already knows what you did – you can’t hide. Just confess it and be clean again.
• Step 5 – Confession. Don’t’ be afraid or embarrassed! There is new life waiting for you through the confessional. Go as often as you can; weekly is a minimum while your character is forming. Confession also encourages you to try to be better. If you fall again, keep going back because you need the strength of forgiveness while you are learning discipline. Don’t get discouraged if you have to go back again and again for the same type of sins or transgressions. God knows your heart and how hard you trying.
• Step 6 – Sacrament of the Healing of the Sick. Make an appointment with your parish priest to have this private sacrament administered to you if you’re having trouble keeping sexually clean. You will be anointed with blessed oils and a prayer of exorcism is an important part of the sacrament. Evil forces hate this sacrament as it sometimes cures diseases and states of depression and oppression. A very powerful tool.
• Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. In addition to prayer, God also uses others as tools. Find a therapist; one who specializes in SA or compulsive disorders. Although the therapist doesn’t have to be a Catholic-specific therapist, be careful, as many therapists can do more harm than good. Don’t’ be afraid to shop around and begin with a new therapist. A good rule of thumb is that they shouldn’t contradict anything your Catholic faith teaches you. They should work with the aspects and principles of your Catholic faith.
• Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. You have hurt people; directly or indirectly, knowingly and unknowingly. You need to admit and atone for your mistakes. If you violated your marital vows, you’re going to need to make amends (see ‘Disclosing to Spouses’ on main page). This does so many good things for you: you’re taking responsibility for your behavior; you’re repairing violated emotions of people you’re close to; you’re becoming more transparent and trustworthy. You are also repairing your honor in the process.
• Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Regarding spouses, read ‘Disclosing to Spouses’ on the home page. This is not a purge to rid you of guilt, so be careful not to harm others or put yourself in a position of further temptation.
• Step 10 - Continued to take a personal and moral inventory. We are always sinning in various ways and that is why regularly going to Confession is an essential tool. Review your day and think about if you slighted, hurt, gossiped, derided or failed to affirm, show compassion and mercy. A simple apology will go a long way to mending fences and you will soon be known as an honorable, engaging and humble person. Don’t let time slip through your fingers. Do it as soon as possible. When apologizing, don’t make excuses or give context to your thoughts. Just say you’re sorry. It’s their choice to forgive or not, but don’t’ let their possible reaction dissuade you from doing what’s right.
• Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out. The beautiful part of this step when you reach it is that you already have a good daily prayer life, are in total communion with His bride, the Holy Catholic Church, and now just want to be a better, faithful person and want to do God’s work in your everyday life. You have reached the point when you say to yourself, “Do people see me, or do they see God working through me?” You are on the right road.
• Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other people struggling with faith and life issues. One of the results of walking the faithful path and being close to God is that you’re suddenly aware how many people aren’t, and how much pain and anguish they are in because of it. One of the best ways to reach people is to be a joyous person and not hide your faith when in public. You don’t have to read Scripture on a busy corner, but you want to let family and friends see the connection between your good nature, inward joy and peace and your Catholic faith life. Equally important is to come to them where they are, not where you are or want them to be. Show mercy, understanding and compassion – especially when they are resistant to your ideas or disagree with your perspective. Don’t argue or debate, but stand fast on your principles and values instilled by your Catholic faith and heritage.
As good are they are though, for Catholics, they fall short of using some tools available to members of our faith community. To that end, CSI has developed our own version of the ’12 Steps.’
• Step 1 – Admit that being your own God doesn’t work. If it did, we wouldn’t be in this fix. Hence, we are ultimately powerless and won’t find true joy and peace in this life without a good and constant relationship with our savior, Christ our Lord. It is the difference between having a life full of misery and affliction, and having a life of joy and peace.
• Step 2 - Came to believe that Christ wants to restore us to sanity. Christ said, “I came so that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” There is hope, mercy, compassion and love when you rest in the arms of Christ. It is easy to get on that road, but the challenge then becomes staying on that road. Your Catholic faith has the tools to assist you.
• Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. Once you realize you are helpless and Christ is the key to moral life, you make the choice to stop being your own God. You accept and internalize that you are rudderless without God and make the decision to live the way God intended you to live. Pray daily. Devote a specific time of day to privately pray for at few minutes. Also, read Scripture (Catholic Edition Bible) for at least 10 minutes daily. You can’t be serious about building a relationship with God unless you use the tools He prescribes. Going to weekly Mass is not optional. Going to daily is ideal though– especially in the beginning or in times of torment.
• Step 4 – Getting ready for Reconciliation (Confession). Pray to the Holy Spirit to reveal your sins to you so you can make a good confession. The key is to not hold anything back and truly be sorry for your sins. Don’t worry if you honestly forget to confess a particular sin, just don’t purposely refrain from confessing sins. Confession is worthless if you hold back, plus, God already knows what you did – you can’t hide. Just confess it and be clean again.
• Step 5 – Confession. Don’t’ be afraid or embarrassed! There is new life waiting for you through the confessional. Go as often as you can; weekly is a minimum while your character is forming. Confession also encourages you to try to be better. If you fall again, keep going back because you need the strength of forgiveness while you are learning discipline. Don’t get discouraged if you have to go back again and again for the same type of sins or transgressions. God knows your heart and how hard you trying.
• Step 6 – Sacrament of the Healing of the Sick. Make an appointment with your parish priest to have this private sacrament administered to you if you’re having trouble keeping sexually clean. You will be anointed with blessed oils and a prayer of exorcism is an important part of the sacrament. Evil forces hate this sacrament as it sometimes cures diseases and states of depression and oppression. A very powerful tool.
• Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. In addition to prayer, God also uses others as tools. Find a therapist; one who specializes in SA or compulsive disorders. Although the therapist doesn’t have to be a Catholic-specific therapist, be careful, as many therapists can do more harm than good. Don’t’ be afraid to shop around and begin with a new therapist. A good rule of thumb is that they shouldn’t contradict anything your Catholic faith teaches you. They should work with the aspects and principles of your Catholic faith.
• Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. You have hurt people; directly or indirectly, knowingly and unknowingly. You need to admit and atone for your mistakes. If you violated your marital vows, you’re going to need to make amends (see ‘Disclosing to Spouses’ on main page). This does so many good things for you: you’re taking responsibility for your behavior; you’re repairing violated emotions of people you’re close to; you’re becoming more transparent and trustworthy. You are also repairing your honor in the process.
• Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Regarding spouses, read ‘Disclosing to Spouses’ on the home page. This is not a purge to rid you of guilt, so be careful not to harm others or put yourself in a position of further temptation.
• Step 10 - Continued to take a personal and moral inventory. We are always sinning in various ways and that is why regularly going to Confession is an essential tool. Review your day and think about if you slighted, hurt, gossiped, derided or failed to affirm, show compassion and mercy. A simple apology will go a long way to mending fences and you will soon be known as an honorable, engaging and humble person. Don’t let time slip through your fingers. Do it as soon as possible. When apologizing, don’t make excuses or give context to your thoughts. Just say you’re sorry. It’s their choice to forgive or not, but don’t’ let their possible reaction dissuade you from doing what’s right.
• Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out. The beautiful part of this step when you reach it is that you already have a good daily prayer life, are in total communion with His bride, the Holy Catholic Church, and now just want to be a better, faithful person and want to do God’s work in your everyday life. You have reached the point when you say to yourself, “Do people see me, or do they see God working through me?” You are on the right road.
• Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other people struggling with faith and life issues. One of the results of walking the faithful path and being close to God is that you’re suddenly aware how many people aren’t, and how much pain and anguish they are in because of it. One of the best ways to reach people is to be a joyous person and not hide your faith when in public. You don’t have to read Scripture on a busy corner, but you want to let family and friends see the connection between your good nature, inward joy and peace and your Catholic faith life. Equally important is to come to them where they are, not where you are or want them to be. Show mercy, understanding and compassion – especially when they are resistant to your ideas or disagree with your perspective. Don’t argue or debate, but stand fast on your principles and values instilled by your Catholic faith and heritage.
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